Imag Bitch

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Tuesday 12th August

Asi van Dit - Male Halfling Thief - Adrian McKinnon
Finn Finnegan - Male Halfling F/T - Jeff Clendon
Halcyon - Female Priestess of Panadine - Matt Carr
Jack Rabbit - Male Halfling Thief - Darryl Sherwood
Mel Licious - Dwarf Psionicist - Steven Krijnen
Polly Ester - Female Human Bard - NPC
Ulotta Puck-off - Female Shield Maiden Parry-Fighter - Edwin Muir

DM - Andrew Earl

Well, I thought Ulotta said "fuck off" to the Imag priests. I guess I was
mistaken. It seems she actually said "I'll think about it."

I offered myself, but they didn't want me at all.
"YOU ARE ON THE CREW" they said.
"THE UNIFORM WILL NOT FIT" they said.
"GET LOST" they said.

Ulotta had been wandering back and forth between the Imag priests'
cabin and Halcyon's cabin with a bit of paper when I finally got tired of
listening at doors and thought I'd get a straight answer.

"Whoots goon oon?" I asked her, "Whoots thart parper den?"

"Oh, Finn, where did you come from?" replied Ulotta, "You gave me a
nasty fright, jumping out like that."

I'd been walking beside her for about a minute! Honestly, she can't
even see her feet when she looks down at the floor.
I don't understand why they want her as a guard.

"I'm considering honest employment, and this is a contract. You
wouldn't understand it, it's writing!" she scoffed. "And anyway you're a
male. The Imag priests are offering 20gp a day and a magic sword.
They are most generous. Mind you the uniform is a little skimpy"

"Skimpy"? You couldn't even blow your nose on it.

"Halcyon thinks it's a bad idea, especially the bit where I must
blindly follow the instructions of the priests, and Imag itself.
But we've changed the wording so that it's only binding till we get
to Emerald, so that'll be OK. And they said they wouldn't make
me go into their darkness"

"Wheel, ef the Imag priest seed thart, deen eyem shure et wheel be
fyne," I scoffed, "You keen oilways trust Imag priests, keent ya?"

It's a wonder she isn't blonde as well!

I watched her disappear into the priests' cabin for the third
time with a big grin. It took about ten minutes and then she was
out again, wearing the Imag uniform, and rubbing the palm of her hand.

"Ouch, I had to sign with my blood, they never said that before," she
exclaimed. "And look at this. No, actually don't look. Go away"

What a sight, the attractive Ulotta, standing rigidly at attention
outside the Imag priests' door, wearing only the shortest of black
skirts, a teeny weeny black bikini top, and a glowing black long sword.
Yup, that's what I said, the long sword actually glows with a black
light. Spooky!

"Excuse me, coming through," grunted one of the crew as he brushed
past Ulotta. "Excuse me." "Excuse me," went the crew as one by one
they all brushed past even though there was plenty of room on the deck.
"Nice uniform."

"Nice tits too!" yelled one of them.

The lads had a great time, standing about, just out of Ulotta's sight
(about 10 feet away) perving and cracking jokes.

I carved a wooden rivet and dangled it from the rigging so it hung just
above her head, and Jack drilled a hole up through the deck, right
between her legs, and was selling off pervs to the crew. Amazingly,
blind Ulotta spotted this and complained to the Captain which put a
rapid end to the hi-jinks - for a while.

"Get back to work you assholes. What do think this is, a bloody
Soixante-Neuf holiday camp?!" he yelled "And you, put some bloody
clothes on!"

"I'm sorry Captain but I must wear this uniform at all times."

"Imag bitch," he muttered as he wandered back to his cabin.

Over the next week Ulotta became stranger and stranger. She hardly
spoke to the rest of us at all, took to squinting a lot and shading her
eyes, started walking only in the shadows and avoiding direct sunlight,
spending nearly all her time in or around the Imag priests' cabin.

Druscilla was nearly executed for the murder of McTavish, based on the
extremely reliable testimony of the Imag priests (cough cough).
Fortunately Halcyon was able to convince the Captain that Druscilla's
hands were not the hands she had seen in her vision of the murder and
he agreed to hold her in the brig until Porn city where she could be
turned over the the authorities.

Jack and I had a good rummage through her cabin, but the crew had
got there ahead of us and the place was a shambles, even the
traditional thief hidey holes were empty.

The Captain took the ship way out from the coast as we headed Klib
toward Porn city. "Bloody Jungle Coast," he muttered. "Trouble with coastal
raiders if we stay too close to this shore."

Obviously, we were still too close to the shore. We got raided that night
by five thugs in a 20ft standard. They must have had a priest with them too
because they were definitely using some form of silence spell.

"    !" Mel mouthed. "         ...       !"

Yeah, good one Mel, just go raise the alarm.
Thankfully, that's what he did while I fired off a few arrows and got
peppered in return. Ducking down behind the wheel deck rail, I pulled
a few arrows out of my chest and hoped that the rest of the crew were
arriving soon. I eventually heard a couple
of clunks and a thud, and peering round the side of the rail I saw four
scrambling back into the boat and pushing off. Mel was jumping up and down
on the side of the ship waving his sword, which I might add was covered in
blood, and appeared to be silently yelling.

Ulotta was just standing in her usual place outside the Imag cabin, blissfully
unaware of the whole attack.
"Imag bitch" someone said.

I loosed a last few arrows and had the satisfaction of seeing another of
the raiders tumble off the side of their standard and slip silently into
the depths.

"Arn doon fooking coom bark!" I yelled into the night.

"Clean up that bloody mess" yelled the Captain "and keep your eyes
peeled in case they bloody come back"

They didn't, and a few days later we arrived at Porn city.

Actually, we were met by the pilot, well three pilots, who were most
interested in Mel's bald dome of a head. They were all very effeminate
and he had to fight them off as they rubbed themselves up against him and
caressed his head most lovingly.

I had slipped Druscilla a set of my spare lock picks, feeling guilty
perhaps, and suggested that when we arrived at Porn city she might
just disappear.

Halcyon and the Captain had jacked up some plan and wouldn't let
anybody off the boat until she had scampered into town and returned
with a pair of Panadine Priestesses and some guards. I managed to
get on the escort squad and had a wander through some of Porn city on the
way to the Panadine Temple. My, what a fantastic place. I was
propositioned about twenty times by the most attractive range of girls
I've ever seen (excluding Halcyon of course) but unfortunately had to turn
them all down.

"Eye'm oon a impootant mission, boot eye'l be bark"

"Hurry up Finn" Halcyon kept saying.

We got to the Temple and back to the boat, trailing a procession of
Panadine devouts, without mishap.

"Right you lot, get everybody up here on the deck" screamed the Captain.

Up they all trooped, stomp stomp stomp, mumble mumble mumble.

"Get the prime suspects to the front" screamed the Captain.

shift shift shift, mill mill mill.

"OK, where the fuck's Marvelon?" screamed the Captain.

Surprise, surprise, surprise. The prime suspect, Marvelon the Psi-hating
mage, seemed to have just disappeared into thin air.

"Guilty!" yelled Mel.
"Let us bloody well off!" yelled the passengers.
"What a waste of time!" yelled Asi.
"Sorry," whispered Halcyon.

"OK, where the fuck's Druscilla?!" screamed the Captain.

"Gone, the bloody brig's empty!" yelled the first mate.

"Where the fuck are you going Imag Bitch?" screamed the Captain.

"I'M GOING TO (COUGH cough) to the temple," replied Ulotta "I don't
feel so good, and my eyes hurt."

"DON'T FORGET YOUR SWORD," said the Imag priest.

"Go on, fuck off the lot of you," screamed the Captain.

Porn City's a cool place to visit, unless you're an Imag Bitch.

Ulotta was last seen cowering against a building, across the road
in the glare from the REAL Temple, whimpering and snivelling like a baby.

"Shove off somewhere else Imag Bitch, stop messing up the place."

"BUT I'M REALLY (COUGH cough) a nice girl."

At least she's got some money, and a nice sword!