The Wagon Jack

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Tuesday 24th June

Smorgus Bord - Male Halfling Thief - Ian Luxton
A la Carte - Male Ogre Strength-Fighter - Darryl Sherwood
Hanky Chiff - Male Gnome Illusionist/Thief - Peter Fairbrother
Polly Ester - Female Human Bard - Andrew Earl
Finn Finnegan - Male Halfling F/T - Jeff Clendon
Ulotta Puck-off - Female Shield Maiden Parry-Fighter - Edwin Muir
Siofra - Female Halfling Thief - Matt Carr
Arzie Vandit - Male Halfling Thief - Adrian McKinnon
DM - Steven Krijnen

Ulotta had collapsed in the street, a dart protruding from her neck.
Me, Finn and Smorgus were hiding in the shadows watching her twitching body.
I made a brave attempt to lasso her, but that only resulted in a light spell
appearing on my rope - cast by some filthy mage on the roof-tops.

We squealed like girls and took off. Bravely leaving Ulotta to her fate.

Back at Elaine's, Siofra had arisen, her face and d'ecolletage sodden in
sticky marmalade.

When she heard the Tale of Ulotta, she decided to scout herself. An hour
later she returned. No sign of Ulotta.

So we all sank in to a restless, haunted sleep.

Just before dawn, Vicky was awoken by the noise of a high-speed wagon
roaring past the front gate of Elaine's, followed by the dull thud of a
body.
It was Ulotta, severely unconscious, naked and shaved bald (even her
eyebrows), cold and crusty semen caked on her inner thighs and butt, and
some more tastefully spattered all over her face. Siofra put the poor girl
to bed.

The sun came on.
A la Carte had now come out of his marmalade state and he wasn't interested
IN THE SLIGHTEST of being chopped into little pieces with meat saws NOR ANY
OTHER MEAT UTENSIL to get him out of his cage.

We had a think. A communal think.

I had the Enlarge spell, so casting the reversed version of this, Reduce,
enough times would get him small enough to slip between the bars of his
cage. The problem was that we'd need eight castings and I could only do
three at one sitting.
"Why not get a wagon jack," someone suggested. "And bend open the bars
enough to let him out after only three castings?"
With this we went to the Wagon Shoppe. They weren't interested in lending us
the seven-ton wagon jack, but would be happy to let us use it on site.

So we used Elaine's Invisibility wand on A la Carte, then bowled on round to
the Wagon Shoppe.
"Here's the cage," I quipped to the proprietor. "Some bugger welded it shut
and we want it open."
"What madman made this?" asked the man. "There's no door. No nothing."
"Yeah yeah, a practical joke," I mused sourly. "Can you just stick the jack
between the bars and bend us a hole?"
He agreed and set to work.
He paused: "This is not enchanted by any chance?"
"Oh no.. nooo. But, we'll..ah..just wait outside," I hurriedly said.

Suspecting trouble, we slunk off and took cover outside the solid iron-bound
oak doors of the Wagon Shoppe. Some of us even lay down on the ground,
behind water troughs and other cover, and put our hands behind our heads.

Sure enough, there was an almighty CRUMP! and the ground shook.
We returned to the interior. Apart from the ash on the ceiling, the charring
all over the cart and walls, the air thick with smoke, the pile of molten
iron that was the seven-ton jack, and the small pile of ash, bone & teeth
where the wagon man was standing, there was no visible effect.
We felt around inside the cage for the invisible A la Carte. Something was
squishing and gritty under my fingers.
I managed to find some semblance of an ogre neck ... and there was a pulse.
Luckily, I had the Death's Door wand with me, so touched it to the A la
Carte there an then. He groaned.

We sheepishly took the cart back to Elaine's. Finn left a small pile of
coins for the wagon man's widow and orphans.

After an hour, A la Carte came around, none the worse for wear. "None the
worse for wear" as in "being charred black & blistered and minus an arm".
Other than that, he was fine.
He made himself visible again. The jack had done its work before exploding,
and there was a nice-sized hole in the cage, so I cast Reduce three times on
him and he hopped out, happy as a sand ogre.

Siofra then went to the Panadine temple in town and bought out all their
cure potions. One was administered to A la Carte and the other to poor
Ulotta.

Ulotta didn't remember much. Just the dart, then passing out, then waking up
now.

"Guess you're not a virgin any more," quipped Arzie tactfully.
"You could get a job as a psi-impersonator," I added.

Ulotta was not very pleased and thumped me against the wall.

But this was taxing on her and she needed some more rest, so Siofra put her
back to bed.

A la Carte's arm was well and truly busted - pulped. So Siofra made some
futile attempts to get some willing clerics to cast a third-level cure on
the damage. With no luck.
Here is a typical exchange:
Siofra skipped into the Panadine Temple
"I'd like a Cure Critical Wounds potion please," she trilled.
The vision of loveliness behind the counter smiled sadly.
"Sorry, we are out of those" she said. "But one of our highly-trained
priestesses would be more than willing to cast the same spell on you."
"Oh," said Siofra. "It is not for me. It is for my friend."
"Well," replied the beauty, with a beaming smile and perfect teeth. "Bring
her here."
"Ummm... its a he... and he is rather big"
"Bring him here. All are welcome to the House of Panadine."
"Ummm... when you say 'all', you *do* mean 'all'?"
"Of course!" laughed the beautiful acolyte swishing her lustrous blond hair.
"Elf, Half-elf, Dwarf... even Gnomes."
"Ummm... how about ogres?"
The priestess paused, and blinked slowly. "What?!"
"Umm... he is an ogre."
The priestess frowned, then tried to smile. Wanly.
"Excuse me," she stammered. "I'll fetch the high priestess. Please wait
here."
She sailed off, tasteful robes rustling, leaving behind the fragrance of
lilies.
Siofra waited patiently.
Another vision of loveliness arrived. But her beautiful face was creased by
a frown.
"What's this about healing a monster!" she said tersely.
"He is not a monster," explained Siofra. "He is our friend."
"I .. I mean Panadine is *not* going to cure a monster!" stormed the
priestess.
Siofra pouted.
"However," the Priestess added with a grim smile. "If you kill him and bring
his body here, I'll be more than happy to do a reincarnate on him. For
free."
"And you call yourself 'good'!" exclaimed the frustrated Siofra. And stormed
out.

All the temples in town gave the same answer.

However, we had some time up our sleeves, so Siofra and Finn took a quick
trip to Furndeck where the Temple of Panadine there *did* have the Cure
Critical Wounds potion. This was duly brought back and given to A la Carte.
And fixed his arm.



We then decided to go back after the Cauldron of Spoils, now that we knew
exactly where it was and now that we had the Invisibility Wand. Zaps all
round (me, Finn, Hanky, Smorgus, and Arzie). Siofra would stay visible. She
dressed for the occasion in a low-cut, high-hipped slut-dress.

While Siofra kept the attention of the Apothecary owner with sordid requests
for nipple cremes, breast enhancers and other lewd girlie products, we all
snuck out the back invisible. Sure enough, right where Elaine had scried,
and after some lightning and poison traps, we retrieved the Cauldron of
Spoils.

Elaine was most happy to get this.

Next time, the Book of Death from the Cave of the Necromancer.